In about three months, I will no longer smell like teen spirit. I can no longer feel like I’m living a teenage dream, nor get teenage kicks right through the night. I am turning 20.
This is a source of great panic for me. I spend a good portion of every day thinking about everything you’re supposed to do as a teenager in order to have the Ultimate Teenage Experience – sneaking out, going to and having wild parties, drinkin’, shmokin’, fightin’ – and well, I can’t say I’ve done many of them. Teen movies and programmes such as Skins have given us so much to live up to that I can’t imagine a single teenager could ever do it all. When I saw the first couple of adverts for Skins, with all those beautiful half-naked teens lying on top of each other, I just sighed. This is not my life. How can I make this be my life?! But then I remembered that these movies and shows are not an accurate representation of teenage life. Because if they were, I would have a lot more typical-teenage stuff to get done before I turned 20…
1) Commit murder
In every school there are girls that rule the corridors, striking fear into the hearts of all who pass them. These girls are are as admired as they are feared, and as beautiful as they are evil. Unfortunately, these girls can also be your best friends. So say you suddenly realise that you cannot stand for it any longer. According to Heathers (1989), instead of ditching them, one should kill them all stone dead. Don’t forget to make it look like suicide by using your excellent forging skills to make a note in their handwriting. And possibly blow up the school as well.
2) Have a seriously forbidden love
Some parents can be pretty vocal in their disapproval of their child’s new love interest. We’ve all had that. But there’s vocal, and there’s vocal. What if they forbid you to ever see each other again? What do you do then? Well if you’re anything like Juliet Capulet, you should take a potion that makes you appear dead and wait for your Romeo to come and take you away. Be careful though, cos he won’t realise you’re not actually dead. So he’ll kill himself. Just as you’re waking from your death-sleep. Awkward…
3) Navigate the ups and downs of life using magic
Teen life can totally suck. There’s always this mean girl in school who makes your life hell and you really like this dumb yet cute guy but he doesn’t even notice you. But things can improve when you turn 16 and you start levitating in your sleep. Congratulations, you’re a witch! Thankfully you have two extremely annoying aunts to help you figure out how to handle your new powers. Soon you realise you can manipulate those around you to do what you please and use magic to turn situations in your favour, but then you realise that it is extremely BAD to do so and you learn some LIFE LESSONS and all is beautiful. You also have a talking cat. Woohoo!
4) Have hallucinations of a man in a giant bunny suit that tells you to burn things and travel back in time to save the girl you love but then laugh as you get crushed to death by the plane engine that crashed through your house at the start of the film but failed to even injure you but now it’s back sorry what just happened?
We’ll just leave that to Donnie, shall we? Yes.